Right. Here goes. Nathan, my dad, tried to fix his marriage.
That led to a nasty sex-and-summer-pudding incident.
Oh, my God! Something... something cracked!
Stella went to casualty with a broken rib.
Now she's back home making Nathan pay for it.
Nathan!
And me? Well, paranoid Tom with the two gay dads is still stalking me like a weirdo.
I'm walking the dog.
But what do I care? I'm not obsessed with Sugar any more.
That must be a good thing.
Ok. So at last things were looking up.
Sugar was out of my life. Stella was back from hospital.
I was a 15-year-old with no spots and a passable pair of tits.
Nathan? Oh, shut up!
Life was back to normal.
Nathan?
Coming.
Oh, Nathan, I can't reach...
I'm not sure that you should, not with your tablets.
I need them to numb the pain. Want me to call the doctor?
I was talking allegorically, Nathan.
I don't mean the pain in my rib which is, by the way, still excruciating.
I meant the pain of this, of you, of boredom.
Of being married to Kathy Bates.
Pillow.
I'll do it. God knows what else you'll break.
Well, what are you gonna do now? Magic tricks?
Yeah...
Nathan!
Fuck. Sorry. Sorry.
Dad! Can we speak?
I'm busy. I need you to watch your brother.
Can't Stella do it? I'm going out. Yeah, well... so am I.
Dad?
I can't go on like this, Kim.
Just pretending that everything is ok. I've had enough.
I'm sorry. I really am sorry.
I'll see you soon.
Nathan...
Dad?
Hi. You all right?
Fine. It's Kim, isn't it?
Beth. We met last week.
At the Christian thing.
Yeah.
I saw you come in. You looked pretty upset.
I'm fine.
Do you mind if I sit down? No.
I'm really sorry. It's fine.
Nathan's left us. Nathan?
Yeah, my dad. It's my mum's fault. Fucking cow.
Ever since she left hospital. Hospital?
An accident with a summer pudding.
Oh, my God! Something cracked!
It's ok. She deserved it. She's been making his life hell since the day they met.
For Christ's sake. You can't pretend this isn't happening.
Aren't you jumping the gun just a bit? The evidence is crawling all over me. Crabs.
You don't know that. Oh, for fuck's sake...
So. My mum's a whore and my brother's a freak.
My dad's a wet. Not that I've got much of a leg to stand on.
I'm a homophobic gay virgin desperate to fuck a girl who will never fancy me.
What's she called? Sugar.
Maria Sweet.
She's a total goddess. And a total bitch.
Right.
I can't believe I'm telling you all this.
Ciggie? I didn't think Christians did that.
They're menthol.
Have you ever spent time with someone, like intimate time,
with someone who doesn't really know who you are or how you really feel?
Torture.
I tried everything.
Honesty, date rape.
Oh, it's ok. I failed. I just nearly killed my brother in the process.
I tried to shag a bloke, only my mum beat me to it.
Your mother? Found them at it doggy style on the kitchen table.
Then I tried to cure myself. Bible classes?
Actually, I'm not that big on the Christian thing.
Unless you count getting off with my RE teacher, Sister Angela.
I just went along to the group to see who I could pull.
Coffee? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Jesus.
We could always go somewhere else.
Just because the last time I'd seen Beth was at a church group, I'd assumed she was uptight.
Amazing how wrong you can get people. Kim!
Oh, God... Who is it?
My next door neighbour. Just wait here a minute.
Hi. Oh, thank God.
Just because the last place I saw Tom was...
in his bedroom, he seemed to think he had some kind of claim on me now.
I left you a thousand messages.
What are you doing? Holding your hand.
Don't. Why not?
There's no point in being shy about things now.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. You were... you were fantastic.
I can't get it out of my mind. Tom!
Ok, so maybe I'd been giving out mixed messages.
I wanna see you tonight.
But I wasn't going to now.
Tom. Yes.
I'm gay.
Hm?
You're gay? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Which was a lie,
because for the first time, I wasn't sorry.
You're quite sure about that?
I'm in 100 percent certain.
For the first time, I was out.
And proud.
Sometimes it takes an outsider to help you gain a sense of perspective on life.
They're out of raspberry. I got you hundreds and thousands instead.
It's good to branch out occasionally.
For the record, she's not worth it. Treacle, Candyfloss or whatever her name is.
Sugar. Short-term fix.
Sends your heart rocketing and rots your teeth.
You're melting. Lick.
I can't believe in three months you've only met one girl you like.
I haven't really met anybody. It's Brighton.
The place is crawling with candidates. Got to make the most of what it's famous for.
Bet you haven't even been for a swim yet.
You're joking. Race ya.
No way. Come on.
Come on in, Sister, and wash away your...
It's freezing. Forgive me, Father...
Save me.
Are you not coming down for tea?
What's up?
Hey, hey.
You ok? Are they still calling you names?
I can't bear you suffering because of us.
No, no, Dad. It's not that. I don't...
I don't care about the names.
I slept with Kim.
Right. And...
She... she's now got a girlfriend.
Right. I thought I really... liked...
loved her.
Where are all the nice straight people? Come here.
Do you know how proud we are of you?
Oh, dad... Listen to your father.
You're the bravest, fairest, most open-minded,
thoughtful person that we know.
The problem's not that there aren't plenty of straight girls waiting for you to pick them up.
The problem is finding one good enough.
Mmm... And in the meantime,
I wouldn't worry about having slept with a lesbian.
Most straight guys would consider that something of an achievement.
Most straight guys would be... pretty proud.
I love you.
My first relationship with a woman was a mess.
Bit of a livewire, you know? Met her up at the university campus.
Older woman. Well, two years older.
Totally gorgeous but mad as a brush.
Didn't know where I was with her. Mucked up school for me and everything.
It was like my life just stopped.
And you know what? I didn't care.
It's not right, though. Liking someone who makes you feel miserable.
Absolutely not. But I guess that's why we met where we met.
I was just up for anything that would take my mind off her.
Yeah, me too.
Especially after my mum caught us in bed together. Yes.
Easily the most mortifying moment of my life to date.
Did she got mental? Well, we didn't speak for a while.
Then I thought, "Fuck, what's the worst that can happen?" So we chatted and we both cried.
Then I got the usual shit. "What about the grandchildren?"
Things calmed down, and that Christmas I got a turkey baster in my stocking.
How are your parents about things?
Oh, to be honest, they've got their own preoccupations.
I don't think they take much notice of me. I'm sorry.
No, it suits me fine.
This is really good, you know? Talking about stuff.
Something I never do with Sugar.
I mean, why can't I meet someone I get on with and like... likes me?
Meet someone and just feel easy with them?
If your mum's so uninterested in you, why did she come back?
She got bored of Dale. She wanted a roof over her head. Dale would have chucked her out.
Are you sure about that? Purely selfish reasons?
Look. I think you should talk to Stella. Tell her to sort it out.
What's the worst that could happen?
There are some conversations you've been waiting for all your life.
Stella? Mmm?
If it's dinner, get a Chinese. I don't feel up to cooking yet.
Kim? My head's killing me. If you've got something to say, spit it out.
Oh. You all right?
No. Not really.
I want you to talk to Dad.
That's difficult. I don't know where he is. You have his mobile.
He walked out. And you shagged around.
Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't shout and I'd be grown-up.
This isn't gonna work. Sorry?
This. Us. The way we are.
It's not fair on me.
And it's not fair on Matt.
I know we've always been a screwed-up family.
But this is a fucking mess. Language.
Shit! Fucking bollocks!
Just look at you.
You're crap.
You... don't do maternal and you never have.
Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
You're Stella.
And you've never wanted to be more than that.
Oh, God.
We still want you.
But... with Dad.
For the first time in my life, I felt like an adult.
See ya.
Stella had called Nathan and he was coming round.
She's in the lounge. Tidying.
I'd got my parents back together. I was going out on a date.
And literally out.
So how did it go? Fine. I'll tell you later.
Ok.
Hi.
I had her.
What? You're kidding?
Mm-mm. And her girlfriend.
Seriously.
Everything seemed to be turning out all right.
Drink? No, thanks.
No. Right.
I've been talking to Kim. Kim's been talking to me,
and... she made me realise that I owe you an apology.
No, listen. For being a terrible mother and a terrible wife.
Stella, I... I just... I don't seem to be a natural
at all the domestic, maternal stuff.
And... if we're honest,
we both know that it would be silly to pretend that I'm suddenly gonna change.
It's ok. I've been doing a lot of thinking myself.
Um...
I don't want to go on like this.
No. It's not just your fault.
It's mine too.
I should have realised that our marriage was failing long ago.
Only the more I tried to salvage the relationship,
the worse things have got.
And the more... pathetic I've become.
I mean, pitiful. Nathan.
If I woke up next to this each morning, I'd start screwing odd-job men for kicks.
No.
I've turned into someone that I never wanted to be.
I still love you.
I still love you too.
But I don't wanna go on like this.
I think it's right that you should leave.
Hello? Kiz.
I need you.
Kiz, can you hear me? I'm in deep shit.
Please.
Corrections Chamallow35